The Problem With Little White Girls (and Boys)

Perfect perspective.

Pippa Biddle

White people aren’t told that the color of their skin is a problem very often. We sail through police check points, don’t garner sideways glances in affluent neighborhoods, and are generally understood to be predispositioned for success based on a physical characteristic (the color of our skin) we have little control over beyond sunscreen and tanning oil.

After six years of working in and traveling through a number of different countries where white people are in the numerical minority, I’ve come to realize that there is one place being white is not only a hindrance, but negative –  most of the developing world.

Removing rocks from buckets of beans in Tanzania. Removing rocks from buckets of beans in Tanzania.

In high school, I travelled to Tanzania as part of a school trip. There were 14 white girls, 1 black girl who, to her frustration, was called white by almost everyone we met in Tanzania, and a few teachers/chaperones…

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Let me tell you why I’m frustrared.

1- I’m always surprised by how much I hate being a grownup. I want my dad to fix the brakes on my car, and I want my mum to take me to the doctor. I don’t want to do grownup things.

2 – The DMV is a terrible, hellish place, straight from the minds of people like Stephen King. I can’t think of a more miserable place to have to spend a Friday afternoon, especially when what I want to be doing is hair. I could write a Nobel Prize worthy essay on the
terrors of the DMV.

3- Road trip planning is also stressful. Again,  wanting my dad to figure that out for me. I’m excited to go to LA for the first time in my life, and I’m excited to be doing it with my friends,  but planning it and figuring out finances has been tricky. What is with this grownup shit.

4- Why is higher education so expensive? That’s a really serious question,  and not rhetorical.  Someone break it down for me, and explain why I have to pay so much damn money for my education.

5- The DMV needs to be part library.  Because then I wouldn’t loathe having to go. I would only despise having to.

Okay. I think that’s everything.

okayloveyoubye.

-Nina Elaine.

21 Things I’ve learned in as many years. Kind of.

21. I’m a lot smarter than I give myself credit for. I’ve learned there’s a difference between confidence and conceitedness. Confidence is backed by actual ability, where conceitedness is only backed by your mouth.

20. It’s okay to eat Ramen, and to like it.

19. Sometimes retail therapy is really actually good therapy.

18. You can never, ever, EVER have too many books. Ever.

17. It’s okay to not like things. It’s also okay to NOT talk about everything you don’t like all the time. Usually, nobody gives a shit. No one wants to listen to someone complain all the time. Don’t go harshing everyone’s mellow just because you feel crappy.

16. Crying is healthy. Just let it out, and be done with it.

15. Honking your horn feels really good when someone runs a light and nearly hits you.

14. It’s good to feel. Feel everything, all the time and let it in. It’s healthy.

13. It’s okay to be homesick. It’s okay to love your family so much that it hurts.

12. Asian candy is way yummier than American candy.

11. Food tastes better when you make it at home.

10. Good music is good for your heart.

9. Alone time is good for your heart.

8. It’s okay to have bad days, so long as you remember that they’re bad days; not a bad life.

7. Be curious. Keep learning.

6. Disney kids never stop being Disney kids. DKFL.

5. Laughing is such, such good medicine.

4. It’s okay to drink Diet Coke just because it reminds you of your mum.

3. Family is the absolute most important thing. I cannot stress that enough. I can’t.

2. Siblings are really my closest friends. My sister and my brother are my very closest friends.

1. Marriage is so hard. It’s SO HARD. Life as a grownup is super duper hard. Life being in love is hard. But love is always, ALWAYS enough. Love is enough.

 

okayloveyoubye.

-Nina Elaine.

just feeling in love with this song, and with my hubby. <3

I always like it when I find songs that remind me of how in love I am with my husband. My heart connects so closely to well written music, and to well written literature. When one, or both, are used beautifully and harmoniously, it sends shivers down my spine and puts a smile on my face. I LOVE that boy with everything I am.

Also, I’m EXTREMELY sleep deprived. SO DEPRIVED. K. Goodnight. I have to apply for jobs and swim tomorrow. I’M JUST SO IN LOVE! [: [: [: ❤ ❤ ❤ 

He’s so stinkin’ good to me.Image

“My Heart Skips A Beat”

The Secret Sisters

Oh, my heart skips a beat
When we walk down the street
I feel the tremblin’ in my knees
And just to know you’re mine
Until the end of time
Makes my heart skip a beat

Well, I did a double take the day I met you
And my heart turned a flip as I stood next to you
And I knew right there I never could forget you
For you are my every dream come true

And my heart skips a beat
When we walk down the street
I feel a tremblin’ in my knees
And just to know you’re mine
Until the end of time
Makes my heart skip a beat

You came into my life without a warnin’
And you turned my cloudy skies from gray to blue
You’re my sunshine that comes up every mornin’
Yes, you are my every dream come true

And my heart skips a beat
When we walk down the street
I feel a tremblin’ in my knees
And just to know you’re mine
Until the end of time
Makes my heart skip a beat

Just Some Words.

So I realize it’s been a while, but it’s late so I’m gonna keep this short and sweet.

 

We went home the first week of July, and were there for the 4th. It was a freaking blast and a half. But with today being the 24th, a holiday that’s a bigger deal in UT than the 4th, I was really homesick. My handsome dad was in the parade with the high school football team he coaches. My mom sent me a video of him walking, and of Gunder meeting him for a hug, and my eyes started leaking. I’m so super homesick and it’s making it hard for me to enjoy myself at all out here.

Which kind of brings me to my next point. I sleep, and I sleep, and I sleep and sleep and sleep. It’s not for lack of things to do, there’s TONS of things to be doing. And I’m NOT pregnant.  I’m just mopey and mildly depressed. I don’t like California. It’s not home, and nothing about any of it feels like home. It’s ugly compared to home, and the only part I like is The City, and the canyon you drive through Truckee. Oakland freaking sucks, and I’m forever grateful I don’t live there. I just miss the air, and the mountains. I miss the familiar faces in the smallish town of Ogden. I miss my friends. I miss my family. More than anything in the world, I miss my family. I miss Sunday dinners at my parent’s. I miss my little brother, and I miss my little sister. I miss hugging my dad after a bad day, and laughing with my mom at everything. I miss talking to my mom about everything. I miss having my mom in general. I miss my aunts, uncles, and cousins. I miss my Bestefar, and Grandma Mary-Ellen. I miss my sisters-in-law. I miss my nieces and my nephews. I miss my brothers-in-law. I miss the anticipation of the seasons changing, I miss watching the entire world change colour. I miss looking down the street I grew up on with fresh snow that nobody’s touched yet, and the way it sparkles and shines in the crisp morning sun. I miss Thor eating snow while he runs through it. I miss Utah summers. It really IS the place. And it IS life elevated.

 

I’ve been applying for jobs, and had an interview at a daycare about an hour away from here on Tuesday. I won’t know if I got it or not until Monday, but I really hope I did. The kids are damn cute, and the lady that owns it is really nice and sweet. The whole environment of the place is like nothing I’ve ever experienced. She runs it out of her Victorian house, (more of a mansion) and it’s absolutely gorgeous. She’s so much more relaxed and open-minded than either of the daycares I worked for before. Working for her would be more like being a nanny, and I LOVE being a nanny. I miss the kids I nannied in the Valley. ANYWAY. The drive is pretty. I like driving over the Bay on the bridge going to and from, and Daly City is cool to look at on the way down. Waiting to hear back on that.

 

I just read ‘The Silence of the Lambs’ for the first time, and was really pleased. The movie follows it almost word for word. The book was really excellent.

 

Levi is working like a mad man, and I love him to death still. He makes me so, SO happy. I couldn’t have married someone more perfect for me. Really.

 

We’ve all been watching Falling Skies lately, and holy goodness gracious, it’s marvelous. Look into it for sure.

 

I think that’s about all.

Okayloveyoubye.

-Nina Elaine.

Love.

love [luhv]  noun, verb, loved, lov·ing.

1. a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person.
2. a feeling of warm personal attachment or deep affection, as for a parent, child, or friend.
3. sexual passion or desire.
4. a person toward whom love is felt; a beloved person; a sweetheart.
5. (used in direct address as a term of endearment, affection, or the like):” Would you like to see a movie,love?”
***
 
 
 
I am so, so lucky. I have known Love in it’s purest, most raw form, my entire life. Never once in my life have I ever doubted as to whether or not someone somewhere Loved me. 
 
I grew up in a house where emotions are sewn on sleeves, not just worn there on occasion. It’s not a bad thing. It sometimes makes life hard, but wearing your heart on your sleeve isn’t bad. Sometimes it just makes it easy for people to hurt you. Putting yourself out there, putting your heart out there, is never easy. It’s not something that should be easy. To care so immensely for another person or for other people is something kind of sacred. Love is sacred.
 
I feel so sad for people who have never known Love, who haven’t experienced the blessings Love brings. Real Love can’t be captured in a movie, and books hardly ever do it justice. Because Love isn’t easy. Caring and being passionate for people isn’t an easy thing. It’s not something someone can just turn on and off. Love isn’t conditional, because it’s Love.
 
I don’t think you stop loving people, I just think you don’t end up loving them the same way you thought you did. I don’t believe in “falling out of love”. I think you’ll always love someone, and if it ends up you don’t love them anymore, maybe you never really did. 
 
I want everyone to know Love as I’ve been so blessed to know it my entire life. I want everyone to be in Love, to still be in Love when they realize nobody is perfect, and that nobody stays on their best behavior forever. LOVE ISN’T CONDITIONAL. Real love has no rules, and it has no limits.
 
If my relationship with my precious husband was looked at as immoral or wrong, if I weren’t able to take his name as my own, or to live my life as his wife because people were afraid of what’s different than what they’re used to, I’d come nothing short of dying inside. I guess what I’m getting at is that I think it absolutely terrible that there’s even debates about Gay Marriage. I want everyone to know Love the way I’ve been fortunate enough to know it inside of my marriage to the boy of my dreams, and inside of the wonderful family I was raised. I don’t think it’s anyone else’s place to decide who’s allowed to be in Love and who isn’t. It’s no one’s choice but those involved. Love is Love. And it has no conditions. 
 
I wish I could show everyone that the world isn’t as dark as everyone says it is, or wants it to be. Nobody hears about the good done, but we see the good in people every day. If people can be kind, and keep Love in their hearts, the world will brighten up. 
 
“Happiness can be found, even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light.”
 
Love is Light, and I’m making it my religion.
 
okayloveyoubye.
 
-Nina Elaine.
 

The Golden Rule.

Today I had a hard day. There were lots of factors, the one that contributed most was the fact that my anxiety medicine hadn’t been taken for about three days, and I was coming down off of it. That’s guaranteed to make my day hard. Let me tell you how it went.

I woke up, and went to 7-11. This part of my day was actually really, really excellent. I had done my hair and make up and was wearing a cute outfit and everything. I was feeling good. I was listening to Led Zeppelin, and a nice man beat me to the door on purpose just so that he could open it for me. And then when I was getting ready to check out, another nice man let me have his spot in line. I’m telling you, after that I felt fabulous.

And then I went to Rite Aid, still looking cute, and feeling confident because people were nice to me earlier. I asked for an application, got one, and then took it home to fill it out. When I came back, the same lady that had talked to me earlier and was pleasant was really rude. I was wearing the same outfit I had been the first time I came in. I asked her where the closest manager/supervisor was and she said neither were available but that I could come back tomorrow ‘dressed’ and talk to so-and-so about it. 

Here I was, thinking all day that I looked really good. I’ve been having a hard time with my self image lately, so this was great. And then, still feeling confident for the first time in a long time, this woman came along and made me feel hideous. 

I tried to shrug it off and smile like she hadn’t hurt my feelings. It’s odd, you can tell when someone is being rude intentionally and when someone just says something they don’t think is rude because they’re socially retarded. This woman did it to be mean, looked me up and down, scuzzed me, and then after she told me to come back ‘dressed’ she gave me a sarcastic smile and winked. Not to be judge-mental or anything, but this lady hardly looked put together at all. Her hair was greasy and not done, and her shirt wasn’t tucked in all the way. She wasn’t even discreet about being insulting. She said it in front of an entire line of people she was in the process of ringing up. I was humiliated.

I then went to Rubio’s to get dinner for me and Levi. We ate and it was fine but I just couldn’t shake it off. I was so bummed. I put myself out there, and this woman cut me down and made me feel two inches small. It added to everything I was feeling bad about anyway, and it added to the fact that my emotions were really close to the surface anyway due to my lack of anxiety medication. 

I just wanted Levi to stay home and cuddle me all night. Unfortunately that’s not something he can do. I had a meltdown and just wanted my husband, and I knew he wanted nothing more than to stay home and calm me down. By this point I was crying and feeling sick to my stomach (I think that had more to do with the food than it did with feeling bad for myself. I ended up throwing up my entire dinner anyway), I was hot and shaky, and still crying quite a bit. He helped me to the shower, and went to finish getting ready for work. Poor guy did all this without even knowing what it was that had me so upset other than the fact that I really didn’t feel good, and that I really just wanted him to stay home with me. I kept crying, I just wasn’t done yet. Then I threw up, and brushed my teeth and cried some more. He came to give me kisses, and I cried lots more after that. I just did NOT want him to leave. And then while feeling homesick for my Levi, I started to feel homesick for my Gunder and my Mum and my Papa Bear, and my Anna. I just wanted my rocks to come and hold me up while I couldn’t, and I think Levi having to go to work made me feel extra lonely. 

All of this makes me think of the Golden Rule. I was able to tell my Mum, Erin, and Levi what I was feeling, and they talked me down off my sad cliff and kept it at bay until I started to feel yucky. That was kind of the final straw. Everyone gets sad when their tummies hurt. They treated me the way I wanted to be treated, and the way they would want to be treated were the situation reversed. It’s what I needed, and it’s what I got. 

However, that woman at Rite Aid didn’t treat me the way she would want to be treated. If I treated her the way she had treated me, she’d have a complex the size of the Mississippi, kind of like I do right now. I just don’t understand bitchy people. I don’t understand making someone feel bad intentionally. I don’t get it. She made me feel worthless and embarrassed and didn’t think twice about it. She did it on purpose. That’s what I think hurts my feelings the most. It was intentional. It’s hard for me to put myself out there for much of anything. I’m self conscious and really critical of myself. I just have a really hard time thinking I’m good at anything, or that I’m pretty or cute or whatever. Say what you want, but the way you perceive yourself has everything to do with the way that you feel. I perceived myself as cute earlier, and then she all but told me I looked trashy, and I perceived myself as homely and unattractive all over again. 

In short, you never EVER know how people are feeling. 

If you have nothing nice to say, please don’t say anything at all. If what you’re thinking of saying is going to really hurt someone, just don’t say it. Please just don’t. 

I feel small and ugly. And fat. 

Thanks to the bitch at Rite Aid.

-Nina Elaine.