Today I had a hard day. There were lots of factors, the one that contributed most was the fact that my anxiety medicine hadn’t been taken for about three days, and I was coming down off of it. That’s guaranteed to make my day hard. Let me tell you how it went.
I woke up, and went to 7-11. This part of my day was actually really, really excellent. I had done my hair and make up and was wearing a cute outfit and everything. I was feeling good. I was listening to Led Zeppelin, and a nice man beat me to the door on purpose just so that he could open it for me. And then when I was getting ready to check out, another nice man let me have his spot in line. I’m telling you, after that I felt fabulous.
And then I went to Rite Aid, still looking cute, and feeling confident because people were nice to me earlier. I asked for an application, got one, and then took it home to fill it out. When I came back, the same lady that had talked to me earlier and was pleasant was really rude. I was wearing the same outfit I had been the first time I came in. I asked her where the closest manager/supervisor was and she said neither were available but that I could come back tomorrow ‘dressed’ and talk to so-and-so about it.
Here I was, thinking all day that I looked really good. I’ve been having a hard time with my self image lately, so this was great. And then, still feeling confident for the first time in a long time, this woman came along and made me feel hideous.
I tried to shrug it off and smile like she hadn’t hurt my feelings. It’s odd, you can tell when someone is being rude intentionally and when someone just says something they don’t think is rude because they’re socially retarded. This woman did it to be mean, looked me up and down, scuzzed me, and then after she told me to come back ‘dressed’ she gave me a sarcastic smile and winked. Not to be judge-mental or anything, but this lady hardly looked put together at all. Her hair was greasy and not done, and her shirt wasn’t tucked in all the way. She wasn’t even discreet about being insulting. She said it in front of an entire line of people she was in the process of ringing up. I was humiliated.
I then went to Rubio’s to get dinner for me and Levi. We ate and it was fine but I just couldn’t shake it off. I was so bummed. I put myself out there, and this woman cut me down and made me feel two inches small. It added to everything I was feeling bad about anyway, and it added to the fact that my emotions were really close to the surface anyway due to my lack of anxiety medication.
I just wanted Levi to stay home and cuddle me all night. Unfortunately that’s not something he can do. I had a meltdown and just wanted my husband, and I knew he wanted nothing more than to stay home and calm me down. By this point I was crying and feeling sick to my stomach (I think that had more to do with the food than it did with feeling bad for myself. I ended up throwing up my entire dinner anyway), I was hot and shaky, and still crying quite a bit. He helped me to the shower, and went to finish getting ready for work. Poor guy did all this without even knowing what it was that had me so upset other than the fact that I really didn’t feel good, and that I really just wanted him to stay home with me. I kept crying, I just wasn’t done yet. Then I threw up, and brushed my teeth and cried some more. He came to give me kisses, and I cried lots more after that. I just did NOT want him to leave. And then while feeling homesick for my Levi, I started to feel homesick for my Gunder and my Mum and my Papa Bear, and my Anna. I just wanted my rocks to come and hold me up while I couldn’t, and I think Levi having to go to work made me feel extra lonely.
All of this makes me think of the Golden Rule. I was able to tell my Mum, Erin, and Levi what I was feeling, and they talked me down off my sad cliff and kept it at bay until I started to feel yucky. That was kind of the final straw. Everyone gets sad when their tummies hurt. They treated me the way I wanted to be treated, and the way they would want to be treated were the situation reversed. It’s what I needed, and it’s what I got.
However, that woman at Rite Aid didn’t treat me the way she would want to be treated. If I treated her the way she had treated me, she’d have a complex the size of the Mississippi, kind of like I do right now. I just don’t understand bitchy people. I don’t understand making someone feel bad intentionally. I don’t get it. She made me feel worthless and embarrassed and didn’t think twice about it. She did it on purpose. That’s what I think hurts my feelings the most. It was intentional. It’s hard for me to put myself out there for much of anything. I’m self conscious and really critical of myself. I just have a really hard time thinking I’m good at anything, or that I’m pretty or cute or whatever. Say what you want, but the way you perceive yourself has everything to do with the way that you feel. I perceived myself as cute earlier, and then she all but told me I looked trashy, and I perceived myself as homely and unattractive all over again.
In short, you never EVER know how people are feeling.
If you have nothing nice to say, please don’t say anything at all. If what you’re thinking of saying is going to really hurt someone, just don’t say it. Please just don’t.
I feel small and ugly. And fat.
Thanks to the bitch at Rite Aid.